Looking for a Spouse

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TABLE OF CONTENTS    

1. Looking for a Spouse    

2. Qualities To Look For    

3. Stages in Marriage    

4. Four Myths About Marriage    

5. Reasons You Shouldn’t Cohabitate    

 

 

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1. Looking for a Spouse

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Genesis 2:18, 20-25 - “18The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”20 But for Adam f no suitable helper was found. 21So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” 24That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. 25Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

1 Corinthians 7:39 “A wife is bound by the law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.”

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Points of Reference

1. Notice Corinthians says “whom she wishes.” Not whom the Lord said. The only requirement to find out who the “one” is, is that they must be in the Lord.

2. In Genesis 29 Jacob wakes up to find he’s married to Leah, not Rachel, the woman he thought he was marrying. This mix-up is a like many marriages for people: what you expect isn’t always what you get. You have to have real expectations from the Word of God to find out “how” a marriage works, rather than “pie in the sky” ideals that fall flat. Many go into marriage without preparation. 

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Additionally, read 1 Corinthians 6-7 and 13; Ephesians 5; Colossians 3; 1 Peter 3:7; Proverbs 21:9; 19:14; 31:10; Mark 10:6-9; Proverbs 12:4.

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2. Qualities To Look For

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1. The Opposite Gender

Scripture is very clear that God wants us to marry someone who is the opposite gender. As Christians it’s very clear that this is this is how God intended relationships to be from the beginning, no matter what society says. 

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2. Faith Has to Match

Not only should they believe in God, but they should believe in Jesus. It’s not enough to just believe in God. 

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When there are differences in “how” you believe and doctrinal differences it will make things challenging.  Things like the gifts of the Holy Spirit, baptizing in the Name of Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, tithing, the kind of church that you go to, speaking in tongues, deliverance, etc. can become huge obstacles when there is disagreement. 

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Yes, you can still marry someone who is not in the same place doctrinally but it will make things tough and as a result cause friction, disagreements and arguments. It’s important to keep peace in your household. So when there are differences “be” the example, don’t argue about it. And STAY in forgiveness. 

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3. Your Values Should Match

It’s possible to share the same faith but have different values. Handling things at work, for example, from the place of honor and faith are a value. If the person you are considering for marriage does not operate that way you will find much difficulty in the relationship. It is also how they will handle you. Whatever we see a person do to those around them is ultimately how they will treat you. These differing core values will create friction, and sooner or later you may find yourselves going in different directions.  Peace is your indicator as Colossians 3:15 says.  Always follow your “peace.” I like it in the Amplified translation: “Let the peace of God [the inner calm of one who walks daily with Him] be the controlling factor in your hearts [deciding and settling questions that arise in your mind]. To this peace indeed you were called as members in one body [of believers]. And be thankful [to God always].”

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You need to have peace with this person. If your gut says “no,” don’t move ahead. Hold on and pay attention. Don’t rush into anything that you have no peace over, even if they are attractive and you think they’re perfect. Sometimes God withholds peace and that’s a sign that you shouldn’t be in that relationship or that you should pause or wait. Never go against your peace. Always follow the Lord with your heart, your conscious. No peace, no go! 

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4. You Must Be Attracted to Who They Are

It’s important to have attraction. Not only physically but “who” they are - their soul - how they think, act, their interests, etc. If you don’t have this, then don’t rush into that relationship, because this is what really makes the relationship different from every other relationship. You cannot change them. Don’t even consider a marriage with someone you want to “change”. You have to have things that you genuinely like about the person, attractive qualities. Remember attraction alone will not sustain your relationship. Don’t base a marriage on this. It never works out in the long run. Without the previous numbers 2 and 3 it will never last long term.

 

Bottom Line

This is summed up in one word – compatibility.  Are you compatible?

Make sure that you are compatible in all the areas that matter. You may have different jobs and backgrounds, but at the core of who you both are, are they the same? Do you enjoy being around each other? These things are important.

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Yes, this is serious but don’t overcomplicate it. God wants you to be involved in choosing your spouse. Don’t over-spiritualize it by saying you need a “sign”.  God probably won’t do that.  Jesus got perturbed at people asking for signs. Especially the priests - they should have known better because they had the Word. We are kings and priests. Bottom line: follow the Word and follow your peace. You will have a “knowing” if it is right or not. AND be honest with yourself.

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3. Stages in Marriage

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It’s important to understand that all marriages go through these stages at one point or another. I call them “seasons” in marriage. And when you first get married are when the seasons are the most extreme. Infatuation is always at the beginning. The others will have seasons of repeating:

1. Infatuation – when everything is new and exciting.

2. Irritation – when small things start to annoy you.

3. Toleration – when you learn to live with those annoyances.

4. Appreciation – when you start to value each other more.

5. Celebration – when you’re really happy to be together.

 

Being aware of these stages prior to marriage helps regulate your marriage expectations so nothing catches you off guard or creates unnecessary disappointment.

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One of the most important things in ANY STAGE is to pray for your spouse! If you’re not used to doing this sort of thing take a look at the article: Believing for Your Children. It’s the same principles. Take a scripture that will help your soon-to-be spouse and pray for them. As your relationship evolves within the marriage, so will your prayer for your spouse and how the Lord leads you to pray for them.

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A very important fact is to have a solid relationship with Jesus Christ first. A potential marriage partner will not take the place of Jesus. They are not supposed to, nor should they have that burden placed upon them. 

 

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4. Four Myths About Marriage

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1. Marriage Fixes Everything

Some people think getting married will solve all their problems. But, Scripture states in 1 Corinthians 7:28, that marriage brings its own troubles. Marriage isn’t a cure-all for personal issues. In fact, after the Infatuation stage it will make things flare more than you could have anticipated.

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It is not a magic pill that causes all of your addictions, hurts, and loneliness to disappear. Only Jesus can do that. It’s vital to make sure your relationship is strong with Jesus first, before you get into a marriage. A husband or wife will not fix your problems. That is an unreasonable expectation to put upon anyone. Only Jesus can solve your problems.

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2. Marriage Is For Everyone

This is absolutely not true! Jesus said that marriage is not for everyone, Matthew 19:10. In fact, Jesus was the greatest single-person alive. Paul was another example of someone that did great  things for God but was single, 1 Corinthians 7:7.

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Singleness is not a disorder that you need to get rid of. Actually, the word “single” means being whole and unique. Aim towards that even while married.

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3. Marriage Makes You Whole

Actually, marriage is more likely to show you your flaws than fix them. It’s like a mirror that shows you what you need to work on. If you allow God to deal with them, you will see changes in your character and in your marriage.

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Marriage only magnifies everything you have now, so allow the Lord time to work on those areas BEFORE you get married.

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4. Marriage Is A Contract

The Bible says in Malachi 2:14-16 that marriage is a covenant, which is much deeper than a contract. A contract is an agreement between two people for the purpose of protecting their rights, limiting their responsibilities, and safeguarding their interests. A covenant is an unconditional surrendering and choosing to lay down one’s life and rights for the other.

• A contract requires a part of you; a covenant demands all of you.

• A contract has an expiration; a covenant is eternal.

• A contract is written with ink; a covenant is written with blood. The Blood of Jesus. 

 

Remember that God desires marriages to work, but they need to be based on truth, not myths. Marriage is a journey with good and bad times, but understanding and preparing for it can make all the difference.

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5. Reasons You Shouldn’t Cohabitate

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In our culture, "friends with benefits" and cohabitation are normal things to hear, but in the scripture we see that it teaches us another way of doing life prior to marriage. In fact, that way proves to be more fulfilling, here’s why.

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In the 1970s, only 0.2% of couples cohabitated. Today, approximately 15% of couples ages 18 to 34 are living together. A growing acceptance of cohabitation is evident as 78% of those aged 18 through 29 consider it acceptable for unmarried couples to live together, even without plans for marriage. In fact, many cohabitating partners have no desire to marry. Forty-one percent of Christians approve of cohabitating couples who plan to get married. BUT it’s crucial to look at what the Bible says about cohabitation and why it advises waiting until marriage before living together.

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1: Nakedness Reserved For Marriage

Genesis 2:24-25 (on first page) states nakedness is between a husband and a wife. This biblical principle suggests that we should not expose our nakedness to anyone who is not our spouse.

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2: Cohabitation Is A Sin Of Fornication

The Bible defines cohabitation as a sin of fornication. 1 Corinthians 7 states clearly that our sexual expression should be limited to our spouse and not extend to a boyfriend or girlfriend. Cohabiting with someone as though they are your spouse, when they are not, is viewed as sinful. 

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In Leviticus 18 is every kind of deviant sexual behavior is listed and stated as sin, most are some form of incest. Yes, in today’s crazy society there are cohabitating “partners” who are family. 

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Additionally, fornication creates a curse on the people partaking of it and upon any children that are born to them. 

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3: Living Together Doesn’t Equal Marriage

According to John 4:17-18, living together does not constitute marriage. Jesus clarifies this point when interacting with a Samaritan woman, indicating that living together does not equate to the commitment and sanctity of marriage.

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4: It Has Negative Consequences On Future Marriage

The Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples who live together before marriage are 46% more likely to divorce after getting married. Other studies found that relationships tend to be unstable in cohabitation, with only a fraction surviving more than three years. There’s a higher risk of sexually transmitted diseases, financial instability, and negative impacts on children. If you’re being honest with yourself there is always the “thought” that “if this gets to hard or be too much you can leave.” That is not the mindset of marriage. 

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5: Generational Curses

When people are cohabitating, according to scripture, they have left doors open for spiritual attacks. The wages of sin is death. Death can be one of them. There are also generational (family) curses that can come upon the cohabitators and especially any children born into the situation. This can result in diseases for the cohabitating parents or children; violence; and many such things as a result of the curses.

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6: Cohabitation Devalues Women

Cohabitating is often more burdensome for women. Women tend to contribute more in terms of goods, work, and effort to the relationship, yet receive less satisfaction from relational commitment and security. Marriage provides a safety net in both finances and physical appearance and therefore offers more security for women and stability for men.

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In Conclusion

It’s crucial to genuinely understand that the Bible advises against this practice. Not as means to keep you from having fun but to protect you from spiritual attacks. If you choose to continue cohabitating, bear in mind that the Scripture and statistics are not in your favor. I encourage you to find separate living spaces and refrain from having sex until marriage or you may choose to get married quickly, formalize the relationship legally, and then have a formal wedding ceremony later. And in prayer, together, repent of cohabitating and cut all cords to the sin and burn them up with the Fire of the Holy Spirit. Additionally, break all generational curses in Jesus Name and loose all demons that attached from it, and cast them off eternally; and cut all cords to the generational curses.